Legacy vs. Old school drunkeness

Dude: I'm three times your age, twice your weight and half your speed. I call myself middle-aged, and you call me "old man." Fair enough. To me, you are a teen, a youth, or even "kid." Whatever.
There's something I want you to know.
The greatest gift we old farts give you is our legacy. You and your friends don't use that word a lot, "legacy," but it basically refers to what we pass on to the next generation.
We have passed on some rather remarkable things to you here in Wisconsin: appreciation for the outdoors, a strong work ethic, home-team pride …
Drunkenness.
We, your parents and grandparents, are among the very worst in the nation when it comes to binge drinking, driving drunk, per capita beer consumption and percentage of adults who drink.
We are the shame of the states when it comes to drinking. And we want you to wallow in that barley mire with us. Sort of a family bonding thing.
We insure ourselves against change by sporting some of the weakest alcohol laws in the country. In fact, we are the only state where most drunk driving cases aren't even misdemeanors.
"Drive drunk — go to jail?"
Not.
We make it legal for you to drink with us so we can teach you how it's done. We put virtually no tax on beer — roughly half a penny per can — even though the related property damage and health care impact costs more than Beyonce's bling.
We just make everyone shares that cost, even the ones who (rolling my eyes and using my "duh" voice) don't drink. As a matter of fact, we haven't raised our beer tax since 1969.
Think I'm exaggerating? Google "State of Drinking" or "Wasted in Wisconsin." I'm barely scraping the surface.
We make sure you always see alcohol at weddings, sporting events, get-togethers with friends, community celebrations and even church picnics.
Go find that picture of your parents at the Christmas party or the bowling team's awards night. See the big smiles in the group shot? See what they're holding in their hands?
We have carefully and consistently taught you this: You must drink alcohol. To not drink in this state is to be a nun at a Lady Gaga concert.
When I lived out of state, I saw bumper stickers that read, "It's OK to not drink." How would that message go over in Wisconsin? Might not get your taillights busted out, but it wouldn't win you many friends. Hide it in the drawer with that Brett Favre sticker.
Truthfully, about a third of Wisconsin adults don't drink alcohol. Bizarre. We just try to ignore them in hopes they'll go away, kind of like zits.
As caring parents, we strive to give you a better life than we had — except when it comes to alcohol use. We are determined to see you repeat our mistakes — to stagger in our footsteps, so to speak.
But we must be slipping. According to a 2010 Wisconsin Department of Health Services report, you're drinking less than teens were a couple years ago.
What's up with that? Don't you want to grow up to be just like Mommy and Daddy?
Your potential is immense. You have dreams, you have vitality, you have promise. Dude, what would you have if you didn't drink like us?
Twice our brains and half our troubles.

This blog brought to you by Kevin Wilkinson is the Neenah police chief. He can be reached at pcletters@postcrescent. com